I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
