I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
