I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize