I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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