turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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