Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
