I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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