i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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