This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
