It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
