But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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