We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
