And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize