woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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