Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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