whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Everything about him screamed your future.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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