After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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