I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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