My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
