as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
