508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize