nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize