I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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