Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize