Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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