My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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