I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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