I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
