we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize