Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
