And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
