if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
