I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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