1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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