Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize