Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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