ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
