There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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