I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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