I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
