you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
