So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize