You're my little dorito
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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