Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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