my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize