Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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