I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize