Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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