epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
