Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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