I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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