So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
