Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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