Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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