***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
A+ Viking dick
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