Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
