Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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