Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
