He is such a slut. More and more my type.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
