Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm just crazy horny about you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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