I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
