Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
