i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize