My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
