Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
