apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Randomize
