You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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