I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
