dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
