I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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