STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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