theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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